When your engagement makes a sibling feel ‘behind'

You say you’re engaged and your sister, who is single, has told you milestone moments make her feel “behind”. She’s become upset, worried she’ll never have children, and has long felt behind about living at home and not having the career she wants. Your empathy is running low, and after she told you her engagement was triggering, you feel guilty for being happy and wonder whether to tiptoe around wedding talk or expect her to manage her triggers.

Eleanor asks why the options are only that you tiptoe or she forces a smile. She points out that a connection has been assumed between how she feels and your obligation to change: if something you do makes her sad, you must constrain yourself. If she sighs and sulks and expects her bad feeling to be prioritised over your good one, she has responsibilities to be restrained and socially sensitive.

Repeatedly puncturing celebratory moments by changing the subject back to her is a way of demanding priority, and that isn’t fair to you during this joyful time.

engagement, sister, sibling, milestones, feeling behind, triggers, wedding talk, empathy, guilt, boundaries