The mom I was during my divorce isn't the mom I am today

I deeply regret the mom I was during my divorce. Once, while my daughters and I canvassed the neighborhood trick-or-treating, I told my 5-year-old, "Say 'thank you,' or Halloween is cancelled," and instantly realized I was engaging in a power struggle with a kindergartner.

I had studied early childhood education and worked as a nanny and preschool teacher to give my future children a better childhood than my own, but life took unexpected turns and I didn't always handle them well. After just five years, my marriage imploded and custody became a question, not a given.

I spent the next several years terrified that I would lose my children, making me anxious, depressed, and dysregulated. At the time, I was physically present but mentally calculating bills, rehearsing court testimony, or wondering how I would pay next month's rent; even when we were at the playground or curled up reading books together, part of me was usually somewhere else.

divorce, motherhood, parenting, custody, anxiety, depression, mental health, financial stress, early childhood, daughters