I wish my son wanted to spend more time with me

My husband and I have one son in his late 20s. We keep in touch weekly and see him about once a month; he has a busy job and a new relationship that seems to make him very happy. I never really wanted children—perhaps because of a traumatic childhood with an absent, mentally ill father and a single, emotionally imbalanced mother who made me the centre of her life.

When my husband suggested having children I decided to give it a go, and once our son was born I embraced motherhood fully. As he grew up he naturally distanced himself, especially at university, and can swing from warm and friendly to cold and aloof. He has said he wouldn’t live with me if my husband died and that he might move abroad, which hurt, and although his card messages are affectionate I don’t always feel he really cares; he once said he felt under pressure having all the focus on him.

There is a lot of loss and sadness in what you describe, and these are things you may—however subconsciously—look to your son to heal. That isn’t his job.

son, motherhood, adult child, parenting, estrangement, trauma, absent father, mental illness, new relationship, emotional distance