I'm 17 years younger than my partner and do 'grief math' about our future

On New Year's Day I sat crying alone on the sofa while my partner, Max, slept. When we met I was 29 and he was 46 — 17 years my senior. He looked so youthful that I assumed he was in his late 30s; the age difference made me hesitate, but the connection between us was too strong to ignore, and after a few months of resisting I gave in.

After 11 years together my concerns feel different from those of friends my age. In the early days he used to say, "I wish I were 10 years younger so I could have ten more years with you," which sounded romantic to 29-year-old me. Over a decade later, Max still has the same energy and drive: now 57, he's not showing signs of slowing down despite a few health niggles and he still spins records as a DJ, indulging his passion for music.

My mother's unexpected death at 69 changed how I think about our time. He's now just 12 years younger than my mother was when she died, and I often find myself calculating how long we have left together. Will I be a caregiver in my 50s or 60s?

age gap, grief math, age difference, partner age, caregiving, bereavement, life expectancy, long-term relationship, aging, health concerns